Feeling burnt out on conflict? Having the same argument over and over again?

Read this article from our therapist at Flourish Mindset to learn techniques for effective communication and conflict resolution in relationships.

 Importance of healthy communication in relationships

Healthy communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If you want to ensure your relationship is free of toxicity and reaches its highest potential, you need to start focusing on communication. Expressing ourselves and identifying our needs to our partners is how we form relationships. Expressing love, admiration, excitement, and attraction helps us to form meaningful bonds with partners and build relationships. As a relationship evolves over time, gaining a deeper understanding of our own boundaries, effectively communicating our needs, and actively seeking to comprehend our partner's perspective are all key ingredients for a relationship to truly thrive and flourish. Couples Therapy is a great resource to build these skills!

Common communication problems in relationships

Identifying Needs and Setting Boundaries

Many couples struggle to identify their needs and set boundaries. This can lead to communication issues when expectations are not clarified at the outset and can leave partners feeling let down. Setting boundaries and understanding your own feelings and needs is the first step to being able to communicate in a healthy way. When we are unclear about our boundaries or needs or do not express them, it can lead to unmet needs and resentment can build up. Resentment can lead to contempt. This is one of the most insidious communication patterns for relationships according to the Gottman Institute founded by John and Julie Gottman.

Defensiveness

Another common communication problem that couples experience is defensiveness, or being unable to take accountability for their actions. This is a sure way to escalate a discussion and make your partner feel unheard and disconnected. Criticism often creeps into couples’ communication whether it is the unconscious repetition of unhealthy patterns learned in childhood or downright deliberate attempts to cause pain. Regardless of origin, this is a harmful pattern of communication that should be avoided.

Stonewalling

Other couples experience communication problems due to stonewalling. Stonewalling occurs when one partner refuses to engage, suddenly goes silent, breaks eye contact, or otherwise shuts down. This can ramp up their partner’s efforts to engage them, causing increased conflict. Communicating in a relationship is not easy and plenty of couples struggle to listen effectively to one another and instead interrupt, minimize, or rush communication.

Misunderstood Intent

One of the most common communication issues we see in our practice is misunderstanding the intent of what their partner is trying to communicate. To help you avoid these relationship woes, we will explore some techniques for building healthy communication skills that can help you navigate difficult conversations and resolve conflicts in a constructive manner.

What is effective communication?

Effective communication occurs when two or more people are able to express themselves and be understood by each other. All people feel heard and understood and can agree on what was shared. They don't have to agree on the content, ideas or principles shared, but they must be able to acknowledge what the communicator was intending to state. Once that has been clearly communicated, questioning, or challenging the ideas presented can occur. Actively listening is the most important part of effective communication as it creates the foundation for dialogue.

1. Importance of active listening

Listening is a fundamental communication skill that involves fully engaging with what the other person is saying, without interrupting, judging, or assuming. To practice active listening, start by making eye contact and showing that you are attentive and present. Avoid distractions such as scrolling on your phone or thinking about your response while the other person is speaking. Instead, focus on their words, their tone, and their body language. Ask clarifying questions, summarize what you have heard, and reflect back their emotions to show that you understand and empathize.

2. Use "I" statements

When expressing your feelings, needs, or concerns, it's important to use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. "I" statements allow you to take ownership of your emotions and avoid blaming or accusing the other person. For example, instead of saying "You never listen to me," say "I feel unheard and frustrated when I don't feel listened to." This approach is less likely to trigger defensiveness or escalate the conflict, and it promotes mutual understanding and respect.

3. Avoid negative communication patterns

Negative communication patterns such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling can erode trust and intimacy in relationships. Criticism involves attacking the person's character or personality rather than addressing the specific behavior or issue. Contempt involves using sarcasm, insults, or mockery to belittle or disrespect the other person. Defensiveness involves denying responsibility or shifting the blame instead of acknowledging your role in the problem. Stonewalling involves withdrawing from the conversation or shutting down emotionally, which can leave the other person feeling ignored or dismissed. To avoid these negative patterns, practice self-awareness, empathy, and assertiveness. Acknowledge your own feelings and needs, respect the other person's perspective, and express yourself clearly and respectfully.

4. Use nonverbal communication

Nonverbal communication can convey as much meaning as verbal communication, and it can influence how the other person perceives you and the conversation. To use nonverbal communication effectively, pay attention to your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. Avoid crossing your arms or legs, frowning, or using a harsh tone, as these can signal defensiveness, hostility, or disinterest. Instead, use open body language, such as facing the other person, leaning in, and nodding, to show that you are engaged and receptive.

5. Take breaks and practice self-care

Sometimes, conversations can become heated or overwhelming, and it's important to take breaks and practice self-care to avoid burnout or emotional exhaustion. If you feel yourself getting triggered or overwhelmed, take a few deep breaths, excuse yourself, and take a break to calm down and gather your thoughts. Use this time to practice self-care, such as exercising, journaling, or meditating, to regulate your emotions and build resilience.

6. Seek professional help if needed

If you find yourself struggling with communication or conflict resolution in your relationships, it's important to seek professional help. A therapist can provide you with tools and strategies to improve your communication skills, navigate conflicts, and strengthen your relationships. They can also help you address underlying issues such as trauma, anxiety, or depression that may be affecting your ability to communicate effectively.

Get Resolution Now With Couples Therapy In Los Angeles, CA

Building healthy communication skills is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and working through conflict. Our trained Gottman Therapists can help you improve your communication and find peace in your relationship through couples therapy.  If you're ready to take the next step in your healing journey, reach out to one of our Couples Therapists for a free 20 min consultation at Flourish Mindset. To Get started on your journey to improving communication and resolving conflict in your relationship follow the simple steps below!

• Get to know our therapists here

• Book a Free 20 Minute Consultation

• Begin your new and exciting journey to healing