Are you considering starting a family? Perhaps, you have taken the leap into parenthood, only to find that your expectations of what it means to be a father aren’t matching your reality. Family dynamics vary across the country more now than they ever have. While children can grow into independent, compassionate, and competent adults regardless of their caregivers, research has proven how important the role of a father truly is in a child’s life and overall success. Parenting is no easy feat for anyone raising a child. A father wears many hats with responsibility and duty that can be overwhelming for some to even comprehend. There is no way to do it perfectly, but understanding why you matter as a father and your impact on a child’s development can help guide and motivate how you choose to show up in your child’s world. 

Historical American Perception of Fathers

It is not necessarily commonly agreed upon among Americans that fathers play an important role in a child's life. While some trust that the role of a father could seldom be replaced, the media has depicted fathers in a dark light over the years. Whether fathers are bad cops, dismissive, and dictatorial or unreliable, distant, and even volatile, children’s books and TV sitcoms have portrayed fathers behaving as emotionally or even physically absent parents.  American culture has consistently viewed fathers as the secondary parent. This does not have to be the case. On the contrary, it is offensive to the ones who value their role as a father. It discourages one from their hope of who they could be in their child’s life. Being an emotionally present father is not unmasculine, but American history has relayed this message time and time again. 

Barriers to father-child relationship

Just because dads have the stigma of withdrawal does not mean that they do not want to be connected with their children. There are many factors which have contributed to absenteeism in fathers throughout history. Systemic factors have coalesced to perpetuate a cultural norm which results in less involvement from fathers. Research reveals six of the most common barriers to a father’s involvement.

Financial Burden - Culturally, the “man of the house” is expected to be the financial provider. The economic demands of everyday life on top of the costs of having a child are a stressor for most American households. When fathers are expected to be at work, they are consequentially spending less time with their children. While providing foundational food and shelter is a significant contribution, it may inhibit the opportunity for a quality father-child relationship. 

Parents’ Relationship - The relationship quality between the parents will highly influence a father’s involvement. Traditionally, men often naturally withdraw from the family when the relationship with the other parent is challenged.

The Mother’s Control - In heterosexual relationships, mothers frequently dominate the parenting process from the get-go. There is not always malicious intent behind this behavior, but the consequences are still the same. A power struggle is revealed when the responsibilities and privileges of parenting are not equally distributed between both parents.

A Woman’s World - Parenting, pregnancy, a new baby…people associate this with women. The reactions of the world highlight the mother throughout this process. Women rally to support new moms as they recover from delivery or transition to a new lifestyle. Fathers can not commonly anticipate that support and community. Gottman researchers even identified how frequently fathers become the brunt of incompetency jokes as new parents. 

Gender Roles - Our world has expectations. These begin to ingrain within us as individuals and run the show from the background. Beyond just parenting, gender roles expand to financial and household duties unintentionally assigned to mothers and fathers respectively. Parents who are intentional about breaking the bounds of gender roles as parents may need additional support to continuously check in with what feels in most alignment with their values as a parent.

Dads are stumped - You are not just born with the knowledge of what it takes to take care of a child and be a present parent. Entering this new world demands new skills to be mastered. Fathers often find themselves overwhelmed by the lack of instruction or confidence in these new responsibilities. All families are different, but generally, mothers face this worry head-on and learn experientially while fathers do not take the same approach - instead, they withdraw and remain with what is comfortable.

HOw fathers benefit from being engaged with their children

Besides the fact that children highly benefit from an emotionally present father, dads also gain from being involved with their kids. The research has shown that engaged fathers have more satisfying romantic relationships, build improvements in mother-child relationships, and are more likely to actively participate in the community. These fathers gain a greater sense of self, develop secure attachment styles with their children, and find parenting more satisfying. Fathers who make the effort to connect with their children end up feeling more intrinsically important to them - which continually adds to a greater self-confidence. 

How Children Benefit from present fathers

Research defines a father’s presence and involvement as their commitment to caregiving and play interactions with infants. Children benefit from their father’s closeness throughout all the stages of their development. These children have higher IQs, greater problem-solving skills, and overall higher cognitive functioning in infancy. Involved fathers raise children who are more empathetic, report greater life satisfaction, and are more resilient. These children build skills of emotional regulation, tolerance for stress, resourcefulness, and curiosity. While these fathers develop greater self-confidence, the children they raise also create a quality sense of self. They see themselves as dependable, trusting, and intelligent children and adults. 

What makes dads special?

Fathers are special! But why? The way fathers interact with their children often shows up as a different style than mothers. Fathers engage more physically and promote freedom and adventure. The play between child and dad is typically more stimulating for a baby and ends up fostering independence. This differs from moms who are frequently more verbal, intellectual, and teach nurturing skills. The stigma of “fathers play rough” is intentional. The beautiful variation in family styles across America can embrace these two play approaches and meet the overall needs of children. Dads must be warm and emotionally available in addition to their fun, free, and adventurous style. 

How Flourish Mindset Can Help you Be a Present Connected Father in Los Angeles

Fathers do not have to live by the stigmas and media representation that is laid out before them. And while “perfect dad” is an impossible goal, they are not expected to know how to be the best father they can be all on their own without any support. This is where therapy can be helpful. Gottman method trained therapists and perinatal counselors are trained to support new and expecting parents in navigating the concerns and challenges of being a father and all of the other hats they wear simultaneously. For couples or individuals who want to be intentional parents and focus on creating meaningful and curative relationships with their children, looking for counseling services can be an exceptional resource. Flourish Mindset therapists offer a safe and welcoming space to explore the nuances of parenthood. Browse our specialized professionals here and schedule a free consultation call to get further information on how the Flourish team can support your interests. 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

SAVANNAH JAOUHARI, M.A. APCC, NCC, (Supervised by Hanna Stensby) is a Gottman Trained Couples therapist and registered provider, and advocate with the Postpartum Support International, and supports parents who are struggling with Postpartum Blues and PMAD (perinatal mood and anxiety disorders). She helps couples find healthy ways to move through conflict, create shared meaning, and stay connected despite facing life challenges.

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