Stop Being Nice so You Can Be Kind: A Couple’s Guide to Boundaries
“Nice” and “kind” are not always interchangeable words. When we are nice, we are doing things for the purpose of our own reputation. Whether consciously or otherwise, being nice is so that we can be perceived as nice. Kindness has a different intent. Kindness comes from a consideration of the other person. Being kind is selfless and values the best interests of others. Romantic relationships may emphasize being nice - but it is the power of boundaries that is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your partner. Our couples therapists in Walnut Creek are experts in helping couples get comfortable with and empowered by boundaries.
Why do boundaries make us feel bad?
Boundaries are good and dandy when discussing them, but often implementing them is a different story. Some of us feel more comfortable than others in identifying and asserting boundaries in and out of relationships. Please be reassured, if boundaries make you feel bad - you are not alone. If you are a self-identified people pleaser, yes I’m talking to you, boundaries are not in your wheelhouse. The chronic people pleasers rely on feeling important, useful, acknowledged, and needed. This is the niceness that we want to avoid. Without any judgment, just know that this does not always have to be the reality and change can occur. Boundaries can make us feel bad because it can be perceived that by putting ourselves first, we are not caring about our special people.
It is imperative to discuss culture when discussing boundaries. Culture informs the way we view and experience the world. Some cultures do not view enmeshment, a lack of boundaries, as a bad thing. If anything, this blending, overinvolvement, and highly considerate behavior is the norm and a core value. This should not be dismissed! The cultural implication is what makes boundaries so nuanced. A good therapist will embrace this, and if you are looking for couples counseling in Walnut Creek, Flourish Mindset therapists lean into culture. You can’t make cake without flour, right?
What to do if being easy, agreeable, and in a constant state of PEOPLE-PLEASING feels normal
If people-pleasing feels normal to you, it may be a sign to turn inward. Once you’re inward, then what? Talking to a therapist can help explore where these tendencies have come from, understand how they serve you and where they hurt you, learn to love and accept these parts of yourself, and then create confidence and security in the self to identify and reprioritize individual needs. No shame. If you were not taught about boundaries, you can not be expected to know how to have them.
How to Stop Being Attached to Selflessness and Start Prioritizing Your Own Needs
Being nice is not selfless. Oppositely, it is completely motivated by selfish reasons. When we care about being nice, we are focused on being perceived as nice. It may seem contradictory, but prioritizing one’s own needs is not selfish. At this point, things may be confusing - let me clarify. There is a common airline instruction that if the oxygen masks drop from the cabin head, the adult places their own mask on first before they assist the child next to them with their mask. This is not the nice thing to do, but it is the kind thing to do. It is in the child’s best interest for the caregiver to take care of themselves so that they are capable of supporting the child.
This concept is identical in relationships. One must be able to identify and tend to their own needs first so that they can consequently be their best self for their partner. This change from people pleaser to boundary-secure partner does not happen overnight. The key tool to implement in this process is self-compassion. This is a practice that brings ease, confidence, and honors one’s needs and intentions.
How to Prioritize your Needs within your Relationship
Prioritizing needs in a relationship involves open communication, empathy, and compromise. By fostering honest conversations with your partner about your desires and expectations, you open the possibilities for relationship success. Listen actively to understand your partner’s needs too. Recognize that all parties in the relationship have valid feelings. This is where empathy kicks in.
It is an ever-changing balance between meeting individual needs and nurturing the relationship. Compromise is key; find solutions that work for both, respecting boundaries and core values. Regularly assess your priorities and adapt as the relationship evolves. Prioritizing self-care and maintaining independence can also help sustain a healthy partnership. Ultimately, a successful relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and a shared commitment to fulfilling each other's emotional, physical, and psychological needs.
No one claims for any of this to be easy. Couples therapy offers the opportunity to become very intentional and supported in creating this development in one’s self and relationship.
How Couples Therapy Can Help You Set Healthy Boundaries
Couples therapy plays a crucial role in helping individuals set and maintain healthy boundaries within a relationship. It provides a safe and structured environment for couples to explore and address boundary-related issues. Here's how it helps:
Communication Improvement:
Therapy encourages open and honest communication between partners. Through guided conversations, couples can express their needs, expectations, and discomforts, leading to a better understanding of each other's boundaries.
Self-awareness:
Therapy helps individuals become more aware of their own boundaries, why they exist, and how they affect their relationship dynamics. This self-awareness is key to setting healthy boundaries.
Conflict Resolution:
Couples therapy equips partners with conflict resolution skills, enabling them to negotiate and compromise on boundary-related conflicts effectively.
Emotional Regulation:
Therapists help couples manage their emotions and reactions when boundaries are crossed, reducing the potential for resentment or misunderstandings.
Mutual Respect:
Therapy reinforces the importance of respecting each other's boundaries, fostering a culture of mutual understanding and respect in the relationship.
How Boundaries Help Relationships and Cultivate Authentic Connection
Finding equilibrium in a relationship involves balancing consideration for your partner's needs with self-awareness of your own. Establishing clear boundaries is key to fostering a deeper emotional connection, leading to more profound and intimate relationships. Prioritizing both empathy towards your partner and self-awareness creates a healthy equilibrium that strengthens the bond between individuals. By recognizing the importance of mutual respect and understanding, couples can nurture a lasting and fulfilling partnership, where the needs of both parties are acknowledged and met, leading to a harmonious and satisfying connection. This sequence can be helpful in depicting the evolution of healthy relationships.
How to Get Support: Couples Therapy in Walnut Creek at Flourish Mindset
At Flourish Mindset, expert therapists offer a supportive and non-judgmental environment to help clients learn and explore healthy boundaries in their relationships. Through collaborative discussions and personalized guidance, Flourish Mindset couples counseling in Walnut Creek empowers clients to assert themselves confidently, fostering mutual respect and improved communication for more fulfilling connections in their lives.
Ready to start setting boundaries and have healthier relationships? Check out our couples therapists in Walnut Creek, CA or Book a free consultation to learn more.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
SAVANNAH JAOUHARI, M.A. APCC, NCC, (Supervised by Hanna Stensby) is a Gottman Trained Couples therapist and registered provider, and advocate with the Postpartum Support International, and supports parents who are struggling with Postpartum Blues and PMAD (perinatal mood and anxiety disorders). She helps couples find healthy ways to move through conflict, create shared meaning, and stay connected despite facing life challenges.
OTHER SERVICES OFFERED WITH FLOURISH MINDSET
Couples therapy isn’t the only service offered at Flourish Mindset. Our team is happy to offer a variety of services in support of your mental health. These include in-person therapy options in Los Angeles and ONLINE THERAPY options across California. Other services offered include depression therapy, EMDR THERAPY, and CHILD AND TEEN THERAPY. We also offer ANXIETY THERAPY, Ketamine therapy, and THERAPY FOR SEXUAL TRAUMA.
