How the Gottman Method Helps Couples Reconnect, and Navigate Conflict in a Healthy Way
If you are feeling exhausted by trying to read self-help books and follow Instagram psychologists discussing attachment styles, only to feel more confused afterward, you are not alone. No one ever told us how to have a healthy relationship. There was no guidebook or even required test to take before marriage or choosing a partner. While we have to complete the necessary testing and preparation for almost every other milestones in our lives (think driver’s license and SATs), society has left us out to dry when it comes to relationships. So how do you know if your relationship is healthy?
Relationships are one of the most important factors to our overall wellbeing and health. According to this social relationships and mortality risk Metanalytic Review of over 140 different research studies, our social relationships deeply impact our mental, physical health and how long we will live (Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton, 2010). If our relationships have such a profound impact on our mental and physical health, why isn’t there more focus on how to help couples have peaceful enriching relationships?
If you live in Los Angeles, you have likely heard friends discussing their couples therapy experiences with desperation as they cling to the hope that they will break out of their seemingly never ending cycle of pointless arguments, stale sex, or disputes over finances. But how do you know if couples therapy is actually working? Or which method of couples therapy will help you learn how to argue in a productive way and feel connected in your relationship? This article will explain how the research-backed Gottman Method of Couples therapy can help couples understand what a healthy relationship is, reconnect, and navigate conflict in a healthy way.
How is communication important for a healthy relationship?
According to the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, communication is the central guide in navigating all of the challenges and opportunities for connection within a relationship. While it might be commonly heard, it is not always commonly understood as to why communication is so crucial. Communication helps to build intimacy within a relationship. This intimacy is a means of developing a closeness that is founded on understanding and compassion. When you can understand your partner, you continuously build an emotional connection. Communicating offers the opportunity for understanding. When problems arise, it is how couples respond that determine their success in overcoming their issues. Even couples therapists know this is rarely an easy task, especially if we have not had examples of healthy communication by the adults of our childhood. That is when couples therapy can be highly effective.
How to know if your relationship is healthy
There are a few general qualities that can signal a healthy relationship. The first is having a friendship. Partners in a relationship should enjoy the company of one another, have shared interests, and be dependable and comforting for the other person. The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy can support couples who are looking to strengthen their foundational friendship as this approach focuses on building authentic companionship. Another indicator of a healthy relationship is each partner’s ability to self-soothe. Relationships can be a complex and nuanced experience where interdependence is the delicate dance that couples can learn in order to support their partners, regulate their own emotions, and connect with each other. Healthy couples are in the practice of soothing themselves when problems arise. Practicing this skill benefits couples by encouraging a reset to get them back to a place to be able to work as a team. A common signal of a healthy relationship is how a couple argues. Couples who do not fight or argue are not necessarily healthy. If anything, a Gottman Trained therapist might say it is purposeful to argue as long as it is done so effectively. Healthy relationships accept perpetual problems and address them with intention, patience, and compassion.
How to express your feelings in a healthy way (Gentle Start-up, other Gottman Tools)
Expressing how we feel is no easy feat, especially when we are feeling activated. The emotions we feel can be strong and sometimes overwhelming, even clouding our ability to use logic and reason. And isn’t the point of fighting to just say how we feel and fix it? Couples Therapy is a space to explore healthy ways to express feelings. The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy emphasizes three major skills to healthy emotional expression that they encourage all couples to be in the practice of.
Understanding your own feelings - This might sound obvious, but we often skip this step. Before opening up a conversation about your feelings, it is imperative to have an understanding of how you are feeling and how it is showing up for you. Couples who can articulate their feelings to themselves are better equipped to discuss their feelings with their partners.
Self-soothing - As previously mentioned, self-soothing is a worthwhile skill to practice as it supports both individual’s wellbeing and the couple’s opportunities to communicate. Couples must learn to self-soothe before engaging in dialogue about their feelings so that their mind and body are clear and prepared for open discussion and understanding.
The Soft Start-Up - The way we broach a conversation is likely the direction the conversation will go and end up. Expressing feelings should be direct and honest while free of any criticism or blame. “I” statements are naturally less critical and focus on what the individual is feeling without going into any judgment toward the other person.
What are the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse and why do they matter?
A Gottman Trained Therapist will be well-versed in the relationship evils that are the four horsemen of the apocalypse. While not related to its biblical counterpart, the impact of these four horsemen are just as dramatic and damaging - this time, to couples. The behaviors of the four horsemen are the qualities of unhealthy relationships. Decades of research have proven that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are behaviors that create distance and resentment within partnerships. Defensiveness is typically found as a response to criticism and stonewalling as a response to contempt. Many times couples are not fully aware that they are engaging in such detrimental behaviors which is why Couples Therapy can be so useful for increasing individual self-awareness and creating intention around partnership and relationship development.
Criticism
Criticism can be the most nuanced. Complaints are justified and invited in healthy relationships. It is when the complaint breaks off from the feeling and shifts to a blame focus when it turns into criticism - which, let's be honest, no one likes to hear. For example, “I was surprised to come home to the dishes still in the sink, especially after you told me you would do them while I was working” is a direct statement without coming off judgmental. Criticism may look something like, “I knew the dishes were not going to get done because you never follow through with anything you tell me you will do around the house.”
Contempt
Contempt is a state that unhealthy couples often communicate in. It is a way to hurt the other person and attack beyond their character and establish their worthlessness and a superiority over them. When couples are angry and activated, it can be an easy slip into communicating through the lens of contempt. A partner might be trying to say, “I really want to spend more quality time together, can we figure out a way to make this happen more often?”. While this is what they are aiming to get across, their anger or hurt might influence their contempt to sound more like, “You never spend any time with me because you are always on that stupid phone. Normal adults do not play games on their phone this often, grow up.”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is the ultimate response. While defending ourselves can serve us in many ways, it acts as a barrier within couples. The intention of defensiveness is to disregard any victim role or work to excuse what is being accused of us. Instead, its only impact is showing our partners that we do not truly hear and accept what they are bringing to the discussion. A couple forgetting to pick up some milk for the house might show defensiveness by saying, “I didn’t think about it after work because my mind is all over the place. You know how much I have going on at work so I don’t know why I have to be the one to get the milk.” The partner would be more productive by saying something like, “It escaped my mind to go to the store after work. With everything going on in the office, my focus is not here at home. I’m sorry, I think I might need to lean on you for some more support right now. Could you stop at the store for me please?”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling can look a few different ways, however, it generally involves shutting down from the conversation. It often looks like ignoring, no eye contact, and overall checking out of the discussion. It is a response when couples feel emotionally overwhelmed and/or attacked. Being able to articulate the need for a break to give an emotional reset is the best way to mitigate stonewalling. This attempt may sound like, “I need 30 minutes to myself before talking about this anymore. Let me come back when I am feeling more comfortable to have this conversation.” During this break, the partner’s self-soothing skills will be pertinent.
How to handle emotional flooding during an argument
Did I mention self-soothing? Oh yes, and again and again. It is truly a viable skill that everyone should be in the practice of as it impacts areas of life outside of just the relationship. When you get to the point where you are losing your rationale and your heart rate is rising above 100 beats per minute, it is a signal that emotional flooding is taking place and a pause is necessary. Having a growing awareness of the language of our bodies can help couples recognize when flooding may occur and encourage them to take breaks before letting it get out of hand.
After communicating to your partner that a break is necessary, it is time to self-soothe. Self-soothing looks different for everyone. Couples can explore what works for them, whether it is breathwork, visualization of a peaceful place, intentional body movement, or anything else that regulates the body’s nervous system.
How does the Gottman method work?
The Gottman Method of Couples Therapy is an approach that has proven to be effective for couples looking to improve their relationships with a variety of issues. Gottman Method trained therapists practice cultural humility and are prepared to support couples with a diverse background of genders, ages, sexual orientations, socio-economic statuses, and cultural backgrounds respectively. Evidence-based research of the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy has revealed that the work to disarm unhelpful communication patterns, build intimacy, respect, and friendship, and increase partners’ empathy for one another are the most effective and measurable focuses to creating change for couples long term.
What to expect in a Gottman Method Therapy session:
One of the features of the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy that is enticing to couples is the structure and lucidity in treatment planning. This just means that couples working with a Gottman Method Trained Couples therapist can expect a collaborative, methodical, and personalized therapeutic process.
Initial Couples Session - The first session will involve getting to know everyone in the room. It is during this time that a Gottman Method Trained Therapist will gather three key pieces of information: the couple’s narrative, the Oral History Interview, and an observed discussion of conflict. The therapist will guide the couple through each of these tasks in order to start painting the picture of what is going on with the couple.
Gottman Relationship Assessment - In between the first and second sessions, the individuals of the couple are each responsible for completing an in-depth assessment at home. This assessment was created based on the research that John Gottman and Robert Levenson found in their decades of studies on relationship dynamics. While the assessment may seem intensive, its because it is. The information gathered from this process will be pertinent to your Couples therapist in preparing for the next steps.
Individual Intake sessions - The second session looks like two half sessions. The session time is split so that each individual in the couple gets to meet with the therapist alone. This is in place so each partner can begin to build trust with the therapist and expand on how they responded in their take-home assessment.
Feedback session - The third and final session of the assessment process is a comprehensive feedback session. During this time, the therapist utilizes all of the information gathered up to this point to highlight areas of improvement and strengths within the couple. Couples can expect a copy of the Sound Relationship House so that they can have a visual of where they are thriving and where there may be some room to develop. It is here where the couple and the therapist will collaborate on the goals for therapy.
Subsequent sessions - At this point, the Couples Therapy truly begins. The sessions following the assessment process will work to explore and build healthy communication patterns, discover shared meaning and purpose in the relationship, and create shared goals that meet the needs of both partners.
Couples Therapy in Los Angeles at Flourish Mindset
For those looking for Couples Counseling in Los Angeles, Flourish Mindset has plenty of support to offer. All of the mental health professionals at Flourish Mindset are Gottman Method Trained Couples Therapists with extensive experience and continuous education in working with couples with diverse backgrounds and challenges. Flourish Mindset therapists are trained to work with couples as a team to address the presenting issues with acceptance, honesty, and empathy. If you are looking for a Couples Therapist in Los Angeles, you can take a look at the Flourish Mindset team, what each therapist offers, and schedule a free consultation call to establish if it is the right fit for your relationship.
About the Authors
Savannah Jaouhari, M.A. APCC, NCC, (Supervised by Hanna Stensby) is a Gottman Trained Couples therapist and registered provider, and advocate with the Postpartum Support International, and supports parents who are struggling with Postpartum Blues and PMAD (perinatal mood and anxiety disorders). She helps couples find healthy ways to move through conflict, create shared meaning, and stay connected despite facing life challenges.
Hanna Stensby,M.A., LMFT, is the founder of Flourish Mindset, a trained Gottman Therapist, and trauma specialist . In addition, she is a trained Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapist and works with couples who have experienced infidelity, trauma, or difficult life transitions using an integrative holistic approach.
Sources:
Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
Gottman Method Training, The Gottman Institute, 2023.
